Dead Parrot Sketch - Monty Python
2007-01-26 03:28 AM | Posted by Tejvan Pettinger | Permanent Link | comedy, British Comedies
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Quotes from Dead Parrot Sketch
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
<p>O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!</p> <p>C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!</p> <p>(shouting at the cage)</p> <p>'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)</p> <p>O: There, he moved!</p> <p>C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!</p> <p>O: I never!!</p> <p>C: Yes, you did!</p> <p>O: I never, never did anything...</p> <p>C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!</p> <p>Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!</p> <p>(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)</p> <p>C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.</p> <p>O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!</p> <p>C: STUNNED?!?</p> <p>O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.</p> <p>C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.</p> <p>O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.</p> <p>C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?</p> <p>O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!</p> <p>C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.</p> <p>(pause)</p> <p>O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!</p> <p>C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!</p> <p>O: No no! 'E's pining!</p> <p>C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!</p> <p>'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!</p> <p>'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!</p> <p>'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!</p> <p>THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!</p>
