Brighter side of web - comedy

Great Satire of Over analysis of Shakespeare. This is how I remember studying philosophy.

A guide to the diverse accents of the UK

"Capital of Yorkshire, is York" "much better than the imitation in America"

Quotes from Blackadder IV

George: 'I'm absolutely top-hole, sir, with an ying and yang and yippiedeedoo.'

George: 'Well tally ho! With a bing and a bong and a buzz buzz buzz!'

George: 'I'm thick. I'm as thick as the big print version of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens.'

Blackadder IV quotes

Outside a second-hand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Funny Signs in Great Britain

Funny Road Signs

Funny English signs

German Coastguard video

a good satire of male chauvinistic attitudes to Female Drivers

Needless to say I don't share any of these, (having my 2 wingscreen mirrors stuck to the car with ducktape I can't criticise too much...

Women and Cars do they go together? - funny pictures

"I think we're on a winner here Trig, alright, play it nice and cool son, nice and cool, you know what I mean..."

 :

Missed on the video was the follow up comment by Del Boy

"Drink up we're leaving!

Shame about quality but classic comedy moment

Other Comedy Links

The Chandeliers Sketch - more classic moments from Only Fools and horses

Musical Interlude Have pity on this teacher who welcomes a musical interlude during a lecture...

Funny Economics - Even Economics can be funny...

Tribute to American comic Johnny Carson

More: Johnny Carson video clip

I've seen varients of this joke. I guess the genders could be reversed...

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says, "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Just for my sisters:

• Jokes about Men
• Whose smarter men or women?

"zoom! - what was that? -"

"That was your life mate."

"Do I get another?"

"No sorry that was your lot"

• Basil Fawlty in "Mrs Richards" - See video here

Copper Clappers

Thanks to Ang for leaving a comment and recommending this video. I had misspelt Johnny Carson on the other video entry. The funny thing is I had been searching for more "Johnny Carlson videos" and getting no returns.

It just goes to show my sister Lynne is always right - e.g. importance of correct spelling.

Johnny Carson site

A well put together tribute to Peter Sellers and his performances in the Pink Panther movies.

from you tube

Peter Seller accidently smashes a piano to pieces

“But that’s a priceless Steinway!” – mad woman

“Not anymore it isn’t” – Peter Sellers

oes your dog bite

no

- dog bites peter sellers

“I though you said your dog doesn’t bite.

“that is not my dog”

“do you know the way to the hotel?”

“Yes” – and man walks off

Recently I posted some good grammar tips here: Eats Shoots and Leaves

I came across some more useful english tips, which will definitely improve your English, although not necessarily your spelting.

Do you want to get out and let me drive? :)

• Real Funny Road Signs

• Invisible Fence now open...

"I do solemnly declare that henceforth and without further procastinations or delay, I will no longer self indulgently and with a due sense of punctiliousness to the aforementioned resolutions, no longer put off doing, what really I could have done 5 minutes ago. Furthermore I will stop showing off by using unnecessary and supefluous words just to show my vocabulary."

More Funny New Year Resolutions

Mediteranean Sea

I never know how to spend "mediterenean"

• never mind. I read this from my good friend Mahiruha.

"There are many words I can't spell. I don't know how to spell "embarrassed", for example- I'm too lazy to use my Word for Windows spell checker- and I don't give a damn that I'm typing all of this in Safari and that tihs artice will feature crazy word wraps or that the word "tihs" does not exist in the English language and should have been "this" but I don't feel like correcting it and if you don't like it, well that's not my problem, you can read any of the other posts.

And I realize, dear friends, that this post is already too long and has not yet begun to make the slightest sense, and probably will never make sense. Oh, well..."

“Is one bovered”. Catherine Tate is said to have said this to Queen at a Royal Variety Performance. In the Royal box one of the queens attendents was sleeping. She siad

” she is bing, but the old fella next to her is asleep!" –

Catherine Tate article

Tommy Cooper

View: Biography of Tommy Cooper: Comedian

# I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

# I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

# I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

• Tommy Cooper Jokes

Peter Kay

I wrote a short biography of Peter Kay based on his own autobiography.

“With the laughter ringing in my ears. I jumped off the stage and danced out into the audience. I had no idea why, or where I was going, I just knew that I was on to something good. I headed towards my family. “hello mum.” I shouted and gave her a wave. By this time the place was rocking and the audience were in hysterics. They knew this wasn’t in the script.”

(p46 “Sound of Laughter)

Peter Kay Autobiography at Amazon.co.uk

"The Sound of Laughter" is Peter Kay's new autobiography.

I have just finished reading "The sound of laughter". It is an account mainly of his early life and first part time jobs. The amazing things is how much of his comedy is based on true life experiences. I am going to be adding selected excerpts from his book.

The first character is "Roy" of Rank Bingo hall fame

“I’m full of ideas. For example, I organised a Christmas part a couple of years back and it was so successful that we’ve started to have it annually.”

- Roy

Somebody is getting well paid for making subtitles for English films viewed in Hong Kong and China. Either there having a laugh or there english not good so.

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

("I don't mind when I die - so long as I'm not there when it happens"- Spike Milligan)

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

(must be some double chin)

3. Gun wounds again?
4. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

(I wonder whether you can insure them?)

5. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
6. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

(people these days can't even die without being impudent)

7. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
8. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

(depending on the Chinese restaurant Chicken chow mein could be a type of violence)

Tommy Cooper was a remarkable comedian. He was actually a very good magician as well. But he could combine the two for great comic effect.

His delivery and manner are intrinsicly comic. Just by walking onto the stage Tommy Cooper can bring the house down. A real comic treat

One of the Funniest Tommy Cooper Videos.

- The script looks ordinary it's all in the delivery.

Spoon Jar Jar Spoon - "Go on pull it then"

I don't know where I all get em from

"see that glove - second hand"

"I backed a horse at 20 to 1. It came in at twenty past four"

He was so late coming in, he had to tip toe back to stables.

I asked my youngest sister Lynne for some constructive criticism for my blog. She kindly said my grammar and spelling are terrible. I always listen to what my sisters say... so here is my intention to write better grammar.

Extract from Eats, Shoots and Leaves

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

So punctuation really does matter, even if it is only occasionally a matter of life and death.

Eats, Shoots and leaves.com

well I'm suitably impressed,

read more for the obligatory satire

Anne Robinson and American DJ's

The MCs give as good as they get, - They are quick wited. Quite funny culture clash between the English lady and the Urban DJ's.

Quotes

"Young MC, that names a bit out of date isn't it? - A.R

"No more than that dress ma'am" - young MC

"Hate dog, why are you keeping your hands in your pockets? A.R

"so i won't steal nothing."

more invaluable comic wisdom from Ricky Gervais

jack dee playing Rick Spleen

I've never been a big fan of Jack Dee stand up routine it was always quite clever but I never really connected.

However I think Jack deserves much credit for his latest comedy "Dead Nelson" In moments it is very funny and has moments of real comic pathos

Funny video of interviewing people in Hollywood

"Because hitting people with a microphone is funny."

This video is quite funny. Interesting to see people's reaction to Greg's unusual interview technique

orginal video at youtube

produced by mediocrefilms.com

More selected funny vidoes

Johnny Carlson - A lament for a Roget's Thesearus Editor

Very simple yet effective and funny. This is the first time i have seen Johnny Carlson. It is a great act. I look forward to seeing more of his videos

It's amazing how many ways there are of saying somebody is dead.

It reminds me briefly of the famous Monty Python Dead Parrot Sketch.

" 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

Johnny Carlson is a very different style but well worth watching

I love the Royale Family. The most recent episode was very good. A nice mix of humour and sincere affection for other family members. In this case the death of Nana was done very well.

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

-Groucho Marx

“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.”

-Unknown

More funny marriage quotes

This video of Yorkshire Airlines is very funny to me.

Yorkshire Airlines

Exceprts:

"Pie and peas - ah luxury!"

"This is captain Boycott speaking. We'll take off when i feel like it, und weel fly at the height i wanna cos im captain rite."

"we'll soon take off from Leeds international, and in 20 minutes well land at leeds international, because if its not in yorkshire its not worth visiting."

P.S. it is a standing joke that many people from Yorkshire men used to keep ferrets.

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only..Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~


At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

(It is true I tried to lick my elbow

Some may not be absolutely true

More Facts

Inspiration News Video Best of clips from Inspiration News at Sri Chinmoy TV. With several different guest editors.

Very funny in parts.

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says:

"My wife thinks she's a chicken"

"How long has this been going on for?" - psychiatrist

"About a year."

"Why didn't you come earlier?" - psychiatrist

"O we needed the eggs...."

I often fly to New York to visit friends in the Sri Chinmoy Centre. I'm always keen to find the cheapest flight so often end up travelling with Air India.

• My first transatlantic flight to NY was with Air India in the company of my good friend Brian. (Brian, who is aged 67, last season still managed to take 7 wickets in an innings - a demon medium pacer.(cricket)) Anyway we both got a veggie curry. I like to eat my greens so went straight for the "haricot vert" They had placed on top of the curry. Except it wasn't a green bean, but a chilli. Having eating nothing other than mild Korma's, ingesting a whole chilli was too much for my sensitive pallette. I was dying with heat, pain and thirst. Such an experience! Brain couldn't quite grasp the gravity of the situation, thinking it all rather amusing. But lesson number 1 flying Air India.

continued...

Aries March 21 - April 19
Tomorrow will be the perfect day to curl up in bed with a good book and sob hysterically about how you never properly learned to read.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
While he'll respond to almost every other inquiry, a time traveler from the not-so-distant future will refuse to disclose whether that's your leather jacket he's wearing.

from: onion

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52707

This video makes me laugh of an old granny crossing the road.

• Old Granny video
• It reminds me of a sketch on TV, I think it was the fast show. A guy dressed up as a giant snail and then took about 2 mins to cross a zebra crossing, causing a bit of a traffic jam when he had finished crawling across he got up and and walked off.
• This dog can skateboard - at Google video
  

BOSTON—You may not know him by name, but Eric Greeley is one of a new breed of Americans making a difference. While most employees at John Hancock Security and Financial Services just use the photocopier and walk away, Greeley considers it his duty to do the right thing: to make sure the machine is stocked and ready to go at a moment’s notice.

Though he’d never say it himself, that’s just what a hero does.

"I like to think that anyone in my position would do the same thing," said Greeley. "In the end, it’s such a small sacrifice for a far greater good. All you have to do is go get the paper, pop out the input tray, fill it to exactly the right level, and slide the tray carefully back in. I’m doing my part to make the world a little better, one ream at a time."