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Funny Quotes
- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
- Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a asalted.
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says
"A beer please, and one for the road."
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
- "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
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A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."
# Operator! Give me the number for 911!
# Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
# Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
# Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
# I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
# Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
# Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
# Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
# Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
# Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
# You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
# Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
# Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
# It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
# Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
# I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
# Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
# Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
# Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
# How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
# Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
# Homer no function beer well without.
# I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
# Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
# If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
# I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
# I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
# [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'
# All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
# Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
# But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
Candi: What's your name?
Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.
Candi: I'm Candi.
Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".
Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.
from: Morecambe and Wise
I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.
What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer
"I teach media and I thought that I would give my new A Level students a quick surprize test on major events in broadcast history. I thought I'd share some of the answers?!?!?!
What year did ITV first boradcast? One put 1928 Another 1989
How many ITV regions are there in the UK?
Answer 1 - 24 Answer 2 - 5
What year did Channel 5 first broadcast and who helped promote it?
Strangest answer was 1945 and The Beatles
ITV has acused of Dumbing down it's programmes, name 2 quality, awarding winning programmes it makes and broadcasts?
Deal or No Deal and The Weakest Link
If this is the future of our media industry, I'm off......."
“ My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. “
“ I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. “
A C-of-E vicar and a Methodist minister have been having a friendly meeting at the residence of a Catholic priest. As the two start to think about leaving, the priest offers them a whisky to help them on their way.
"Don't mind if I do, thanks." says the vicar, and is given an ample glassful. "And yourself?" says the priest to the methodist minister. "What? Drink alcohol?" says the minister aghast. "Why, I'd rather commit adultery!!". At this the vicar spits his whisky back into the glass: " Wahoa!..., I never realised there was a choice..."
"I'd like to go there but if Jeffrey Archer is there I want to go to Lewisham."
- Spike Milligan
about the prospect of going to heaven
"And God said "Let there be light" and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
- Spike Milligan
"People say I'm the best boss. They go, 'Oh, we've never worked in a place like this before, you're such a laugh. You get the best out of us.' And I go, you know, 'C'est la vie.' If that's true - excellent."
- David Brent
"When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer's always the same, to me, they're not mutually exclusive."
- David Brent
"Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue."
- David Brent
